Living Online

I've been thinking a lot this past week or so about the degree to which people live online. This is become more prevalent in my life in light of recent personal events that have coincidentally coincided: breaking up with someone and starting a blog.

It certainly complicates matters when, after a break up, you have unfettered access to your ex's life through completely anonymous means. I'm sure most people can relate in some way: Facebook creeping someone, reading tweets posted by an ex, Googling them more often than you would care to admit. In my case, I have actually done okay. It is tempting knowing that my ex has a website, blog, and twitter account that (presumably) he updates regularly. And yes, I will completely admit to checking these online points of access to his life over the past weeks. Less so now that in the beginning, but sometimes curiousity gets the better of me.

This isn't any different than any of my other break ups though. I've always done that, and I don't think that it is an any way unusual to taper off on "keeping tabs" on someone you just broke up with through online social media. Breaking up doesn't mean that you suddenly stop caring about what someone you loved is doing. It is just unusual in many ways that today we can actual hold onto them in that small way. It's like if you broke up with someone 20 years ago and decided to just call them every week to see how things are going. You have no right to that information anymore so it is strange to have open access to it.

What is different about this break up is that, as mentioned before, I am blogging now. I have decided to open many aspects of my life up in a very public way, and as such I have to accept that this means I have no control over who reads what I post. Meaning that yes, my ex boyfriend has a very clear window into my life and goings-on.

This part I am really okay with. As I said above, it is out of my control. What I do have a problem with is how this affects me as a writer. It is very much that age old problem of the subject of observation changing their behaviour when they know they are being observed: I find it hard to be honest and candid knowing that what I say may be misconstrued or taking out of context if read by certain people. Namely, the ex. Will me gushing about a great day be read as bragging? Or flat out lying to cover heartbreak? Will my actions and activities be judged? I want to post a picture of something but do I want him to see it? What happens when I start seeing someone else? Will he think that I'm using this blog as a weapon to hurt him?

I have to admit, having all these questions swimming around my head have kind of sucked the fun out of this blog in the past couple of weeks. Every post that I have written I have tried to write honestly and without thinking about ANYONE reading it, but it is definitely a challenge.

I guess after all of the musing that I have done on the subject, there is only one conclusion that I can come to: I blog for myself and no one else. I blog on the assumption that no one really reads (which is reinforced by next to no comments:P) and for the purpose of creating some means of self reflection on the list of goals as well as a certain degree of accountability for the tasks undertaken. It is a totally selfish endeavour and I don't want that to change.

Any thoughts on the matter? What has your experience been with breaking up and its extension into online spaces?