Happy Holidays!

I've been in Nova Scotia (still am, actually) and so I've been a tad busy. I also decided not to bring my computer on this trip so that I could maximize the time I spend with my family (though, truth be told, between THEIR computers, and our collective tablets/iPads/phones, it didn't make much of a difference).

I had a great trip though. Saw friends, laughed a LOT with my family, and spent quality time with people here that I don't get to see often enough.

What has been on my mind this week, and for the past few weeks, is New Years. I decided that since I'm doing 29 more goals this year, I would not be making formal resolutions this year, but I really like the idea of taking time around New Years to reflect on how things are going. And I've been doing that a lot.

It has been a tumultuous year for me. I won't get into all the details, but if you have been following along with this blog you know that I have had my ups and downs. And now I will be opening a whole new chapter of my life in 2013 with upcoming internships and job prospects. There is a lot to reflect on.

Coming into this family reunion with that in my mind made me really watch my family members and what qualities they possess, and which of my qualities came out when I was with them (both good and bad). It was interesting to interact with people and being so mindful/reflective of how those interactions were going and what part of my personality was at play.

So I decided that in place of formal resolutions I would make an attempt to consciously adopt those qualities that I saw in my family members and admired. Let's all it New Years Inspirations rather than Resolutions. And they are:

• Patience
• Generosity
• Determination
• Curiosity 
• Kindness  

This isn't to say that I possess none of these qualities in any degree, but rather that I think I would benefit from remembering them and trying to live with them as a more prevalent part of my life.

Any guesses as to which family member is which?? haha

No pictures today as I am on my sister's computer - sorry kiddos.

Now - to nap until my friend arrives with her TINY new baby. Delightful.

Much love to each of you and all the best in the New Year! 

 

Big One

Quit My Job

That's right! After this week, I will be done nannying. I was offered an internship today at University of Toronto Press and I enthusiastically accepted. No more nannying! HOORAY! 

I start January 2nd. Can't. Wait. 

Hello!

Oh, blog. You have been so neglected. This is what happens when I work stupid hours (70+ hours of childcare the other work. If you don't have kids, you have no idea how awful that is. If you do...hug me!) I've also been busy with school and trying, TRYING, to see people before I leave. Alas, I don't even really have time now for a proper update, so I resort to point form.

Random things you may be interested to know.

• Classes have wrapped up for this semester. I have one straggling assignment to hand in, but then I'm FREE. Next semester I am hoping to find an HTML/CSS tutor and I will be auditing an editing class. But until then, I am going to bask in the glories of no school. 
• I picked up some new yarn the other day to knit some BABY BLANKETS! Seems like all my friends are giving birth or getting impregnated these days, so I had best get a-knitting. It is very exciting though and I can't wait until my latest project is a little further off the ground so I can show it to you all (right now it is 2 rows of knitting...not so exciting). 
• SEWING MACHINE!!!!!! This is all I think about some nights. I totally have failed at getting all the quilt materials but I will check out some places when I'm home. 
• Lots of my family members picked really heavy/long books for me to read. Jerks. (j/k)
• I have 100% dropped the ball on the cards. Awful, right? I'm going to force my artistically inclined sister to make a bunch with me when I'm home and then get one of those card-organization-boxes like my grandma used to have. I've accepted that I am just turning into an 80 year old. It's cool. 
• NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS! I'm not making any. Ha. Instead, I'm formulating a mantra for 2013. I haven't quite got it down yet, but it will involve having more fun. Sometimes, I get so caught up in all these things that I am doing that I forget to actually enjoy myself and see the lighter side of things. 
• Starting to panic about the trips. Just a little. Someone wanna drive to Boston/Chicago with me? PLEASE?! Also don't know when I will make it to Vancouver now as there is an important wedding to attend during the time I was planning on going. And it is on the other side of the country. 
• Oh - I think I'm gonna move. Yup. So I can haz dog now?!
• Job stuff - still waiting to hear back on a number of things. Trust me, if something exciting happens, you will not be able to avoid hearing about it.  
• Currently emailing with one of my most favourite authors about his new book. We are going to get together to talk about it in the new year. I friggin' love this kind of stuff. LOVE.
• What else....Oh yeah!
• I GO HOME IN LESS THAN A WEEK AND ALL MY SISTERS WILL BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!! I am foolishly excited, clearly. 

That's all! I will try to be more attentive to you, sweet little blog, in the coming weeks/months. Things just got a little crazy there. 

On Quitting my job

I feel as though I should clear some stuff up.

I have a pretty great job. I get to spend my days with two hilarious, smart, and really sweet, loving kids. They are wonderful. As are their families, my employers. I work for people who really care about me and my well-being, who want me to succeed, and who treat me with respect. It is pretty awesome.

The problem is that I don't want to work in childcare. At all. This was always meant to be a temporary job. One that I would hold while I finished my graduate degree. When the grad degree got put on hold, I fell into working full time. And then it stuck. So a lot of the frustration that I feel towards my working life isn't that I have a terrible job, because I don't. It comes from not being in the field that I know I want to be in.

The other element at play is that my job is hard. It is important to make the distinction here in exactly how my job is hard because it explains a lot about why I get so frustrated/burned out doing it. Taking care of children is, emotionally and physically draining. My job is to LOVE someone's baby (or babies). I care about those kids SO MUCH and from that love comes concern for their safety and comfort, the desire to make them happy, guilt if I don't feel as though I am meeting their needs, etc. etc. It isn't a "show up at 9am and go through the motions" kind of working life that I lead. On the physical-demanding side of it, they each weigh 30 pounds or so and I am pushing, lifting, moving, carrying, or bouncing one or both of them for a large portion of my day. I crawl on the floor. I bend down to their level. I haul a double stroller with two toddlers in it up and down stairs.

All this is to say that my job is exhausting. At the end of the day I am physically tired and emotionally spent. Add to this the stress of school, money, volunteering, not sleeping, applying for jobs, trying to maintain friendships, meeting new people, trying to be an adult and do things like wash my dishes. It is a lot!

And so occasionally I hit the wall. This week was one such occasion. So it isn't so much that "something" happened as it is that "everything kept happening" and I was unable to keep up. I'm okay. Things are okay. I just need a vacation.

Also - you all need to call your moms and tell her you LOVE her and give her a huge thank you. Sometimes, you pooped in the tub. And she cleaned it up. And it was gross. And she STILL LOVES YOU. The woman is a saint.

So there you have it - my bad week, which wasn't really that bad. Thanks again to everyone who was so wonderful and helped me out!

I have lots to update on so expect some fun posts this week!

So. Much. Win.

Five Awesome Things 

1. These

I made peanut butter and chocolate balls for a get together this past weekend. And there are so many left over. And so I get to eat them every day. And that is AWESOME.

2. Apparently one of the kids saw a Starbucks logo this weekend while with his parents, pointed it out and said MY NAME. I've been branded in his tiny brain. Maybe not awesome, but kind of hilarious. 

3. This 

Donations I have collected for The Red Door - baby items and toiletries (cat not included). This is so awesome.

4. ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAD A FRIGGIN BABY!!!!! OMG it is exciting when people who you love MAKE other people for you to love! Congrats!!!!!!

5. I saved the best for last: 

Quit My Job

Obviously there is more to say about it than just that, but I want to have the full conversation with my employers before I throw details about it up here. They are being VERY supportive though and I am so relieved I want to dance and sing and cry and puke. But I won't do any of those things because it is late and I need to go to sleep. But yay! 

The Replacements

I posted awhile back about replacing some of my original 30 goals with some new ones. I have gone back and forth on it a little, but in the end I decided that I wanted to go ahead with the change. This project is mine and I want to use it to transform how I spend my time and to get things done that I have always wanted to do.

So, on onwards!

I haven't come up with all the replacement goals yet, but I have couple.

1. Eat a Steak (or try a steak). Are you a little surprised? Wasn't I just vegan? Didn't I have this long explanation for why I don't eat meat and why I feel bad for even eating cheese? Why would I possible want to eat steak!? Simple - I never have. I went veggie when I was 13 meaning I never had good steak. I never tried really good quality meat. When I gave up meat what that meant was that I was giving up chicken fingers and pepperoni on my pizza. Over the past year or so I have been trying some meat-items that I never got to experience because of my vegetarianism. There was the lobster that I picked out, killed myself (poor barnacle face and bubbles...) and ate last summer: 

And then last Christmas my dad made me some scallops for the first time. They were....oddly textured. 

So this year I may let my dad cook me a steak. Why my dad? a) He makes delicious food b) he knows he will get to eat most of it in the end and c) he isn't offended if I involuntarily throw up as a result. 

    2. Do a month of from-scratch cooking. I have been fascinated by how people eat and where food comes from for a long time. This as, in part, led me to try making various things from scratch, from bread to butter to my own caramel earlier this year. I have a bunch of recipes that I have collected for items and so I thought now is as good a time as any to makes myself use them! What this means that that for a month I will only eat things at home that I make myself from raw ingrediants where ever possible. No - I will not make my own soy milk, but yes, I will try to make my own tofu. If it works, awesome! If not, hey I tried. The point isn't to live like a pioneer, it is to LEARN and experience food in a new way. 

    3. Not sure on this one. Options are: Take Highland dancing lessons (did you know I used to Highland dance? Well you know now); Something yoga-ish; get a tattoo (still thinking about that one); take a cooking class; something I haven't thought of yet...

So there ya go. Lots in the works.

In other news I had a lovely holiday party last night with some bookish-friends from Twitter. Desserts were eaten, gifts exchanged, and lots and lots of book-conversation was had. It was the best thing ever. 

Annnnnd I am going to be crossing one of the biggies off my list pretty soon. Super huge gulp. It is scary stuff for me. But more on that later. 

On a more serious note

An open letter to my youngest sister, in response to a pretty awful scene witnessed on the way home tonight.

The Recipient- Ailsa, My little sister

Hey

So this is kind of random, but something just happened on my subway ride home from school and I really need to talk to you about it. You in particular. 

I was on the train and it was noisy, as per usual. Honestly, I was trying to make eyes at the handsome mustachioed men nearby and not paying attention to much else, but the noise grew louder and slowly one voice started to become more distinct. I looked over to my right in time to see a young woman, maybe 19 or 20 get up from her seat to stand a short ways away from where she had been seated, while an older man she had been sitting next to shouted things at her. Drawn to the confrontation, like many others on the train, I listened and watched this man call her a freak because of her dyed blue hair, exclaim that no man would want to marry her, and that she was sick and immoral. Sexist and homophobic slurs where thrown at her and she just stood there and said nothing back.

As this continued I felt increasingly uncomfortable, not only because of his words and not only because other passengers were watching but avoiding getting involved, but mostly because no one was coming to HER side. This young woman was being harassed and verbally abused, in public, and no one did anything. What's worse, I didn't do anything right away. I knew that to confront this guy would just make him more aggressive, but I really just wanted to make sure this woman felt safe and okay. 

In this moment, I thought of you. I love you and if I knew someone had spoken to you because of the way you cut your hair or dress or anything, it would make me sick. I would be heartbroken to know that no one stopped to make sure you were okay. You are one of the kindest, sweetest, funniest people I know and it made me so angry to think that you could be labeled and harassed like this girl was. 

So I stepped over. I didn't want to engage with the crazy dude but I wanted to offer her some gesture of kindness and love so that in that moment so that she would know that no one thought this guy was anything other than nuts. I wanted to make sure SHE was okay and just offer a friendly smile as we got off the train. I said a few quick words to her, we exchanged a smile and I stood between her and this guy for the rest of the trip, hoping my back would help shield some of the hate coming from him. 

I'm glad I did something, though it doesn't feel like enough. Of course I thought about it the whole way home and by the time I got back to the safety of my house I had composed a mature, thoughtful, yet assertive speech to this man that would have eloquently handled the situation. Ah well. I did what I could. 

It did make me want to tell you that should you ever encounter anything like this, don't listen. I wanted to tell you that I Love you and admire you and think you're gorgeous. 

Call me soon! I miss ya

Carrie

Clearly she is the best

Christmas!

For those of you who follow me on Facebook/Twitter/Intagram you will have seen the photo of my tree already and/or heard about how much I adore it. This is my first Christmas tree that is MINE. I picked it out, I bought it, I lugged it home (actually, I adorably bear-hug-carried it through Home Depot and into a ZipCar, but you get the point). I am in lurv with this tree.

Today my mom's ornaments arrived. The same ornaments that adorned every tree I have ever known personally, all through life. I was SO excited that some of these would be on my very first tree and so I got the package home as soon as humanly possible and began the decorating process.

In my family the tree decorating tradition is as follows: We eat cheesies (cheetos) and we listen to Amy Grant's "White Christmas" album or "Pipin' Hot Christmas" - a bagpipe compilation CD of Christmas songs (did I mention my dad is a bagpiper? My dad is bagpiper). Awesome.

So with Cheesies in hand and Amy Grant beltin' out the tunes, my Tree got done up. It was pretty fun seeing all the old favs come out and I am tickled with the result. My plan is to keep some of these and add to my collection every year with one nice ornament gift to myself. Someday I will have a pretty eclectic but memory-filled tree. Heck, I already do :)

Snacks and decorations 

Weird white elephant

Inexplicably disgruntled Teddy

Above: Lanky Skiier; Below: Ballerina on Horse

The Finished Product!

I love it!!! 

Merry Christmas!!

Feeling Funky

I'm at work and the kids are sleeping. I just sent out a bunch of applications, which feels great, so I thought I should update the dear little blog, since it has been so neglected as of late. But I'm exhausted, so in the interest of time (read: I want to have a nap asap) I am resorting to point form

1. I don't know why I say "resorting to" - I love point form. If I were ever to write a book, it would largely be in point form. 
2. All I've been doing lately is working. Nothing exciting. At all. 
3. Over the weekend, since I was sick as a dog (a saying I will never understand) I picked out a pattern for my author-knitting project. And then today I unpicked it, since I think it may be too heavy for mid-May. That's okay. I have until the weekend to finalize. 
4. I got my Christmas tree on Sunday and I love it so much it is weird. I may or may not have slept in the living room one night this week with its lights on...who knows! My mom sent my childhood ornaments so those are ready for pick up at the post office and waiting to go on the tree. If only I didn't work so much so I could actually go get them...
5. Seriously - like 75 hours between 3 families the other week. No wonder I got sick. 
6. I'm in a total funk over still having no job leads. It sucks. 
7. I'm hosting a fun party this weekend! Yay! I hope I find a chance to clean my house before then 
8. I have raised $90 for my family sponsorship! WOW! Thanks friends/family!!! 
9. I don't ever get to do anything fun lately. See #2 and #5
10. Oh! I have been thinking about the replacement goals and I think I have them ready to tell you about. 

But first - I need to SLEEP. 

Gettin' Lucky

I am going to keep this short and sweet folks - I am fighting off a flu bug that descended on me at work today and all I want to do is put on my sweats, drink a bottle of NyQuil, and pass out watching crappy TV. But I had to share my awesome day with you. (Getting sick and throwing up on the way home from work is not part of this awesome day).

I am one friggin LUCKY lady. Seriously. The fact that I can say that now, despite the nausea and aches, really just tells you how much I mean it.

So as many of you know, I decided to sponsor a family through The Red Door Family Shelter this season. I totally can't afford to do that, so I beseeched my friends and family to pitch in what they could and sponsor along with me. The response has been AWESOME - a relative I haven't actually met sent me money, friends who I have known for ages have donated, and new friends have offered what they can as well. I'm at the place now where almost HALF the cost of this sponsorship has been donated by YOU guys - that is AMAZING!!! Please let me know if you want to help out - I would love to send in a big fat "extra" cheque along with the sponsorship cheque. There is still time too! So just message me :)

I decided that the sponsorship thing was so great, why not go a little further? So I am also doing a shampoo-drive in my neighbourhood/among friends. It works the same as a food drive but instead collects personal care items (shampoo, soap, feminine hygiene products, toothpaste, toothbrushes, etc) and baby items (mostly formula, diapers, and wipes). I can't imagine how awful it would be to find myself in a situation where I had to flee my home and rely on a shelter, but to not have these basic comfort items would make it feel even worse. Anyway - my neighbours have responded wonderfully, as have a couple of my friends who are going to collect as many of these items as they can to donate along with mine. Amazing. If you are in Toronto want to help out just let me know - I always have extra soap/shampoo/toothpaste so add what you can!

So I was all giddy with joy over everyone helping out with my Christmas-giving mission, when I left work all barfy/sweaty to go home and feel sorry for myself. What did I find upon my arrival?

TWO packages in the mail! TWO!!!!!


The first was my Vegan food swap haul - Check out how great it is!

I got:

• liquid smoke - HOW COOL IS THAT?!!?!?!?!?!? I can't wait to whip this out in a recipe
• Soy curls - never seen/heard of them. Intrigued. 
• Fajita seasoning - yummers. 
• Sahale snacks glazed cashews - YUMMERS
• Camino peanut better chocolate bar - hilarious because now I am 2 for 2, getting this in a food swap package. They really are tasty. 
• Lots of recipes and a nice note!

Pretty great haul, right?

The second package made me cry:

My friend Allyson in Nova Scotia sent me hand-knit fingerless mittens and some treats! These mitts are so cozy and I am already in love with them - what a talented girl. This was just the personal, thoughtful pick-me-up that I needed tonight. Thank you. Thank you so so much.

So all things considered I am a pretty lucky person. I have managed to surround myself with some really, truly amazing and gifted people who share themselves with me so generously, in talents and time. So thank you all! I leave you with this video, which really sums up for me how to go about building a life that is happy and fun to live.

Much love to all of you.

Now - bed with a bucket for me.

Sponsoring a Family - Need your Help!

Hi Friends and Family, 

The time has come. I know how much you have been enjoying reading about my silly little 30x30 goals -the vegan month was a hoot, and we all were so relieved when I FINALLY finished that scarf, right?!

But the fun and games are going to be put on pause for just a moment - I need your help.

Actually, I need your money.

ACTUALLY, I don't, but someone in Toronto does.

Why? I've decided to Sponsor a family!

My motivation started out completely selfishly. I've been having a crummy month and feeling pretty sorry for myself. I don't like my job. My career seems like it will never get here. I haven't bought nice or new things in what feels like forever. I've been working every weekend and week-night to save up money for an internship that might not happen. And due to their cost:filling ratio I've been eating burritos Every. Day. (they are yummy, but I need something new!) My life sucks! Right?

Hell no.

I realized that I see people every day who would thank their stars for the life that I have - nice home, good job, full stomach, clean clothes. These are all a luxury and one that I should learn to appreciate more.

The other piece of why I decided to do this is the string of sexual assaults in Toronto in the past couple of weeks. I was rightfully upset by them and then suddenly struck with how lucky I am to live in a SAFE home. When I come home, I don't have to fear for myself. I can relax, eat, sleep, and wake up with no fear that someone here wants to and can do me harm. I am so incredibly lucky to live like this when there are so many women who don't.

So the end result is my decision to sponsor a family.

The problem though is I really can't afford to, haha. I am sponsoring through The Red Door and I am sending them a cheque for $200 to sponsor a family of two. That is $200 that I TOTALLY don't have as "extra." I have it, but it will mean spending beyond my means if all $200 comes from my pocket.

So I am turning to you - my readers. I KNOW YOU EXIST!!!!! I see each and every one of you on my page-hits and I know that together we can make this easy and stress-free and I won't have to write my parents an awkward email about why I need to borrow $200 from them.

So: If you are reading this, right now, PLEASE let me know if you can contribute. PayPal, e-transfer, and if you're in Toronto I will even come and pick up cash from you. Promise. Any amount will do - $2, $5, $10 - whatever you can contribute. You can rest assured that your donation will be sent directly to The Red Door because I've already sent it to them. Really, you owe me. (Too far on the guilt? Maybe.)

So Thank you Thank you THANK YOU! Everyone who helps out will of couse get a shout-out, or not if you ask me to hush hush. I will even do something crazy for you all in order to reach the $200 goal....hrmm...but what? Make a suggestion!

I am excited for us to do this together - you are all the best! (hey - mild flattery couldn't hurt, right?)


To Donate: email me at carriemacmillan@gmail.com - we can make arrangements that work best for you.

Frustrated: A rant about my time (or lack thereof)

I just got back home from interviewing with a family for some evening child care. We hit it off and I start tomorrow. I have been taking on as much extra work as possible in preparation for a (hopefully) upcoming unpaid internship. Earning as much cash as possible and padding my saving account has become a priority; if I'm not going to have a regular pay cheque for a three month stretch, it really has to be.

While I'm excited and relieved that I will have some extra cash flow, it definitely felt like I was slamming the door on anything resembling a social life for the next month. I am now either in class or working every night until my Christmas holidays. I may have the occasional Sunday to myself, but no weeknights and no Friday/Saturdays.

It certainly is a frustrating prospect to look at the next month and see such little time for myself. I have been thinking it would be fun to start doing yoga, or running again in the evenings, but when on earth will I be able to fit that in? When will I have time to read or write? When will I have time to spend with these things that I want to be exploring and creating? I knew that making this career change would be hard, and that it would require sacrifice, but ugh. It is a bleak and depressing looking month for me.

Even more frustrating is trying to find time to see friends and do fun, social things. Personal sacrifice I can deal with - not doing anything fun with my spare time because my spare time needs to be used to make these things happen. I can suck it up and do that for the next month. But it really isn't a nice thought that I basically have to tell my friends "nice knowin' ya! I'll see you in 2013." I don't think it is fair to make them cater to my suddenly full schedule and my time is no longer flexible, at all.

I guess all that is to say that this is hard. Making a change in life, a big change, a HUGE change, is really, really hard. I don't get to do what I want to anymore. All my time, money, effort - it is all being focussed on making this one thing happen. I know that it won't always be like this (PLEASE someone tell me it won't always be like this) but right now, it feels pretty awful.

Just to end on a positive note, I will mention this: I went for a run yesterday for the first time since September, and it felt GREAT. Today, mind you, it feel like all my muscles decided to be jerks at the same time, but yesterday it felt awesome. I love the feeling of having actually USED my body. SO - I'm going to try to get back into the morning yoga/running. While my evenings may be fully book, no one has yet laid claim to my mornings. 6am - I will see you tomorrow.

I'm DONE!

Guys. I finished my scarf today. 

I love it so much I kind of want to weep with joy. 

I got it long enough to wrap around twice and still hang down enough to cover my chest. 

And look how pretty! Only three mistakes on the whole thing. 

I even was able to properly cast off with no problems. 

Magic Scarf. 

Kicking the List to the Curb (sorta)

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of thinking that is the result of talking to a bunch of new people about my 30x30 list. I love talking about the list, not only because I love talking about myself (ha!) but mostly because I like talking about WHY the list is around and HOW I came up with the things on it.

I have also recently been engaging more in conversation regarding how many of the items on the list are evolving. The knitting goal has turned into this "knit something inspired by a novel you have never read that an author is going to wear on tour" thing. The quilting is becoming much more social and involved, with people I don't know well/at all expressing interest in joining a quilting circle. The running is spilling over into my professional world with a publishing running group. The hair donation is going to be a local fundraiser. Etc. Etc. It is really interesting how this very personal list is slowly expanding outwards and involving more and more people. And I love it.

The funny thing is that I want more of this. More of these goal-expanding experiences. I know that maybe this is crazy, and that with a list of 29 as-of-yet-unaccomplished things, maybe I should focus more on the things that I already have listed, but I can't help but come up with new goals, more goals, goals I never considered at the beginning.

And there is nothing wrong with that. I had brunch (it was really sneaky breakfast, but shh) with a friend last weekend and something he said has been playing on repeat in my head: it doesn't need to be on the list for me to do it.

So true. I could very well do these new things without putting them out there or needing to check them off.

But then I wondered: are some of the things on the list NOW things that don't need to be there and that I should just be doing anyway?

It really made me think why things had been put there to begin with and the motivation behind them. And really, I feel like I have already learned so much from this experience and changed my habits that maybe they don't NEED to be up there anymore. There are some that are just part of my life now. So maybe I should replace them with one of these new goals??

This is a hard one for me - I like making plans and I LOVE sticking to them. I mentioned before about maybe possibly being something of a mild control freak (*ahem*) and so I feel a huge sense of order and therefore calm from having these planned out, with a clear path to follow. I don't like changes to those plans.

But I think in this instance it may be good for me to change the plan. Both as an exercise in learning to be more flexible, but also so that I can really maximize my 30x30 list.

So all that babble up there to say this: I'm changing some of the items on my list.

Which ones? Not the hard ones, but not the trivial ones either. I'm bumping the ones that I'm doing anyways, which out thinking about them. I am still going to keep them on the blog and report on them, etc. but they won't be part of the 30.

So the ones being cut are: 

• Journal for the whole year - either on the blog or on paper
• Take myself on a birthday "date" on or close to the 8th of every month - reflect on how things are going with the list/in life/etc.
• Call each of my sisters for a sit-down conversation once a month (I have a lot of sisters so this will take up most of my Sundays)

I'm doing these things without even thinking about it, and I would rather use these spots to work towards goals that are a little more challenging, that expand my horizons a bit more and that I will feel a good sense of accomplishment in completing. Don't worry sisters, I'm still going to call you all the time. 

Sent. 

Gulp!

My Quilt

Since my declaration that I would start quilting despite not having a sewing machine, I have been popping in and out of thrift shops looking for fabric to repurpose. However, in much the same way that I kept looking at paint for my shelves before taking necessary steps to know which colour I would need, I realized that looking for fabric was a little premature.

I needed a pattern.

Using a quilt pattern became a clear necessity once I started to look them up for colour-combo ideas. I am little foolish flat-out stupid for thinking that I could just "wing it" - quilts are complicated business! But for me, one of the most important things that a pattern offers is a clear prescription for how much of each fabric you will need to create a final product. And while I want to use repurposed material as much as possible, I also want to create something nice, that I will like to look at and actually use.

So I took a step back and looked at patterns. I was looking for something that was

1. easy (I'm a newb!)
2. didn't require a lot of any one kind of fabric (needing 1 yard of many kinds will be easier to salvage than needing 6 yards of just a couple) 
3. pretty! I definitely want something that I am going to LIKE and want to show off a little. 

There are some gorgeous patterns out there and it took a lot of time to narrow it down, mostly using time contraints and my current skill-level (zero) to help reign in my ambitions. 

The pattern I've settled on is "Picnic Parade" which can be found here - Have a look!

Oh Hai

It's me again. You all knew I would be back.

And as promised, I come bearing gifts! Well, photos. Of...stuff. Just hold on a sec and we will get there.

So I had a long-ass day, but a very nice one. Work was non-sucky. But then I had to stay late and missed a knitting date with friends. Cry! I made up for it by taking myself out for coffee hot apple cider and knitting in Starbucks for awhile while listening to novelty rap. Yup. That girl.

Anyway, I ended up having a really great night. I got to sit down and chat a bit about my 30x30 goals (among other things) with someone and it lit a proverbial fire under my ass to look at the list and get SOMETHING done.

So I got home and looked, and then did! I decided to take a crack at the "make my apartment a home" goal, which meant making a list of projects. Here is what I came up with:

 An impressive list, no? I think that most of them are doable - I need to get the sewing machine for the curtains (hear that, Santa?!) so that is an easy one to tick off when the time comes. I am working away on the kitchen dry goods (my cupboards look so pretty on the inside!) The closet organization may be tricky, but I have high hopes for doing some shelving. Anyway, there are some places I need help! Such as:

Check out how HUGE that wall is. It goes from the dining room and into the living room and is just this gigantic expanse of wall. I need to do something with it. Thoughts? Help? Ideas? All suggestions are welcome! (As are suggestions with what to do with the dining room in general - you will notice I am at a bit of a loss). 

That space on top of the fridge - what can I put up there? Right now it is just...junk/nothing special; cereal, garlic, some random stuff. I want to use that space. 

This is the wall that the dream built-in shelving would go. How gorgeous would that be, right? Need to evaluate a few things first (how long I am going to be here, how much it will be, etc.)

Right! So I moved my bed under the skylight (it had been under the light fixture on that wall before) and now there is SO MUCH ROOM! Like, to the point that I have no idea what to do with it all. So get a rug, a nice chair (rocking chair?!) and some shelving/a table and have a little reading space. 

One of the closets that needs something to happen in it. Ideas? 

Seriously - help! Please! 

Brains!

Well, really just my own.

It is TIRED, my brain is. And fighting illnesses (not illnesses of the brain, but of the body...if my brain is in charge of doing that, which I sort of assume that it is. I'm not making sense. Moving on...)

By the end of the week I will have

1. applied for lots of jobs
2. gone to lots of classes
3. read at least 3 books
4. Gone running for the first time in about 2 months
5. and worked about a kajillion hours

That means that until all that stuff up there is done, I will have not too much to say that is interesting. Unless you find me saying "UGHHhshdf I'm Tiiiiirred" to be interesting. In which case...you need to get out more. 

So I'm taking a BREAK! In doing this I promise you that the next post you see will be both interesting and directly relating to one of these goals I'm supposed to be working on. Promise. For reals. 

Toodles

Good Week/Bad Week

+ I went to the Royal Winter Fair! There were lots of pretty cool animals. The kids were delighted.

- I only brought ONE THING with me - my debit card. And I lost it. Ugh.
- The bank's computer system was down when I went to replace it and it was soooooooo annoying
+ My new favourite Tumblr sent me a tweet. That was pretty damn exciting.

You should probably also check out the link they sent me here. 

- My job made me cry on Friday. 

+ Because of that ^^ I cleared my schedule and slept for 12 hours. That was pretty sweet. 

+ I've lost ten pounds this month?? How is that possible? I'm lookin' at you, Peanut Butter Nanaimo bars.. 

+ I got my partner for the vegan food swap! I know I already said that in a post but it is exciting!
+ I got free books. Win.
+ I get to eat brunch TWICE this weekend. Double Win.
- I am definitely feeling the "I don't want to do my crappy day job annnnnymore" blues. I want move on please. Please?
-/+ Job Apps. Annoying to do, but they get me to the next thing.
+ I found 3 out of 7 books from my family-recommendations today, which meant that I got to go into a bunch of used book stores. I luuurrrrv used bookstores.
+ Someone made me smile. Like every day. And that is nice. (</talking about anything resembling a personal life at all>)
+/- I have plans to go running next weekend. + because there will be brunch afterwards with awesome people but - because I haven't gone running in AGES and I'm going to be embarrassingly out of shape/my doctor is going to killllll me. Meh. I'm still mostly excited.
+++ Because I have lots of awesome plans coming up this week with lots of awesome people (maybe you're one of them!)

So while it felt like a long, awful week, I guess it was mostly a great week. Huh. Go figure!

What happens when I sleep in 30 mins

Due to a series of stupid events, I couldn't fall asleep last night until after midnight. So this morning, when my alarm when off at 5:45am I thought "Yo - sleep in, this shit is eaaaarly."

Well as nice as that extra 30 mins was it was not worth it at all. AT ALL. I'm on my THIRD cup of coffee, the first of which I had to power-shower through:

Things I have said thus far today:

• UGGHHGHSGUGHGS SO EARLLLYYYYYYY - upon opening my eyes
• No pants no pants no pants no pants no pants no pants NO PAAAAAANNNTS!!! - upon having no pants to wear (I've found some since this moment, no worries)
• Seriously, I'm going to punch you in the cat if you don't Eff OFF - to my foster cat who decided he needed to be on my feet while I tried to get ready. 

HAPPY NEWS THOUGH! 

I got emails last night about November vegan swap! YAY! I am super excited to participate again. I am going to start hunting things down after work today.

Ack! Time to leave the house!

Stupid Snooze button

Desktop Confessional

I've been in a funk all this week and it has really been driving me nuts. Not just because I feel crummy, but because I know that I really don't have any reason to. It has been a total pity party in my head and I am just about sick of it. But when you don't what is bumming you out, how do you fix it?

Well, confession time kiddos - I am a control freak. Not your typical "I like things done a certain way" control freak, but more of the "anything that I can't do or control directly stresses me out" variety. It's okay, I've learned to deal with this and have come a long way in letting things slide. But sometimes a perfect storm of many little "not-within-my-control" things will coalesce and the result is this: I get bummed.

Don't get me wrong, I will take "bummed out" over "ready to pull my hair out and scream" ANY day, but it still sucks. So when I finally got fed up of feeling crummy about this invisible swarm of "stuff" I couldn't identify, I did what any good control freak would do - I made lists.

First there was the list of "Things that are making me feel crummy." Then came the list of "What I can do about it." And finally the list of "Things that were awesome this week." That last one was the most fun and if you're reading this, you were part of it (I've been getting higher hits on the blog than normal this week - booya!)

I won't bore you with the details but I did learn a valuable lesson - good things are happening every day, and I need to focus on those instead of the annoying things that I can't control. Also, I made a To-Do list for the rest of the week, because what good would this exercise be without a point-by-point plan to change things.

So! The Plan!

1. Go to bed earlier and get out of bed earlier. 
2. Do job apps Thursday night
3. Dress more warmly
4. Email/Call people back right away. Especially when these people are attractive men (just sayin...)
5. Phone-fasting for the rest of the week (get off Twitter/Facebook/Email and be present IRL)

Also, I realized that a large part of why I'm feeling so shitty is that November is much less exciting in the goal-checking-off department. October wasn't exactly a whirlwind of things getting done, but every day I felt like I was working on my list because every day I was doing the vegan thing. Now I'm not, so I am feeling some loss as a result. 

Is there a plan for that, you ask? But of course. 

1. Empty and prime dresser on Saturday morning
2. Stop by VV on Thursday to look for quilt material
3. Email 3 salons On Sunday
4. Print October's photos + buys disposable camera
5. Do 30 mins of knitting everyday for one week

Also - snuggle the cats

Crafty Crafterson

This blog post will be coming to you in two parts.

Part One:

QUILT!

Well, I mostly already talked about this in my past post but there is more to say on the subject. First, my mom actually read my blog! Rejoice! I have managed to bully my own mother into taking interest in my life! Anyway, she thought the quilt idea was great and assured me that Santa would make the sewing machine happen in a couple months. I'm excited. She also agreed that my latest idea is a fun/good one: A Quilting Circle!

I don't know if there is anyone else in Toronto who wants to discover the lost art of sitting around a room with other ladies, sewing and drinking tea, but I think that sounds like a delightful afternoon, personally. So I'm going to try to get a quilting circle together. If anyone is interested please email me (carriemacmillanATgmailDOTcom).

A few details:

• You don't need a sewing machine to participate. 
• We would all bring materials to work on for each session - you could be cutting material, basting sections together, sewing details, or attaching larger pieces with my (soon to be) sewing machine. 
• It really is more of a social gathering than anything and so anyone who is remotely interested is more than welcome. 
• Adorable food and drink will be served 

Part Two: 

How much longer should I make this? 

It doesn't seem quite long enough, although it can do this:

Thoughts?

Screw You, Santa!

You heard me! I'm tired of waiting for my sewing machine that won't arrive until Christmas because that fat bastard refuses to break with tradition and give it to me now. I'm going to start quilting, damn it!

But Carrie, won't that be kind of hard without a means to actually...construct the quilt?*

Not as hard as you might think! See, an integral part of quilting is the collection and preparation of material. Two of my sisters have made quilts and they both used kits, where the material is all selected to be all colour complementary, and comes ready to cut according to your pattern. I considered following suit since I have no clue what I'm doing and a kit has a certain pre-planned appeal. But I thought that would kind of suck the fun out of the project.

So no quilt kit** for me! I've decided to decide on a colour theme and then start buying things at Value Village and other consignment shops that may work together. I like the idea of using my own clothes/materials for it, but I am not sure what I have on hand...I will have to look.

As inspiration I am using the two quilts in my life right now.

The one on the left was handmade for my parents as a wedding gift. It is totally hideous, both in colour (so much pink) and design (the giant star just doesn't do it for me). Yet I have it proudly displayed in my apartment because it is so boldly ugly and because it carries so much sentimental value for me.

The one on the right was my grandmother's quilt and is also handmade. My grandmother is an adorable 96 year old lady and I love her dearly. I have so many memories of summers at her cottage, sleepovers at her house and endless delicious meals. She has many of these quilts, which were made years ago by her friends. My sisters and I each have one, as does our mother, and it is such a lovely reminder of family. Plus it's super cozy.

So my goal will be to create something that can proudly sit next to these two masterpieces someday.

* should I be concerned about blogging in the third person?
**I accidentally wrote "kilt" instead of quilt kit about 40 times in this post 

Goal #24: The Concert

The point of goal #24 was to help get over my fear of doing things solo. There have been past events that I wanted to go to, but when no one wanted to go with me I would miss because I didn't want to go alone. So this one was an attempt to push the boundaries of my social comforts a bit.

So I went to see Sheezer last night. I made the plan and bought the ticket all on my own - no plans with others. Then as the date of the show grew closer, I mentioned it to friends and threw out the "you should come" invite. So while I PLANNED on seeing them alone, I ended up going with a friend last night.

It was AMAZING. I didn't get home until close to 2am and still couldn't sleep. I wanted to relive the whole thing.

Anyone who knows me super-duper-amazingly well knows that The Blue Album is hands down my favourite album. Ever. EVER. And it would soooo cool to hear it live. These women are SO talented and they absolutely killed it. Awe.

One of the best parts was the crowd. You know when you're at a bar and "Say it Ain't So" comes on and EVERYONE sings along, just belting it out from the gut? Imagine that only every song. Every person. Lee's Palace was packed and everyone was loving the hell out of their set. It was an amazing energy (yes, I know how corny that sounds but I DON'T CARE because it was awesome!)

Oh, plus they dressed up as KISS.

Amazingness. I have a giant girl-crush on them.

Plus - yay! Went out to a show! I am definitely going to do this again. It was a lot of fun (though very tiring). I even ran into a friend there who was in one of the other bands playing - Planet Creature. So cool!

Please excuse the quality of my photos - iPhone and zoomed in = not idea at all.

Opening band - Pins and Needles. They were 14 years old. Like in age as people, not in age as a band. 

Planet Creature. So great! (and totally creepy costumes!

Sheezer - The Sweater Song. They pulled up audience members to do the dialogue. 

So Good. 

November Check-in

Here we go - let's check in with all of my 30 goals, shall we?

1. Run 5k This is still on hold

2. Do 1 month COMPLETELY vegan

3. Quit My job STILL applying and waiting

4. No Alcohol for the year Trucking along nicely, no problems here! Even made it through the Giller Light party with not one drink. 

5. Learn to knit and make something I can wear The scarf is ALLLLMOST done. Also, I have some exciting news on what the next project will be....hint...it is something crazy that may have me in WAY over my head! But in a great way. 

6. Make a quilt Still waiting for Santa to bring me my sewing machine. He is such a stickler for timing. 

7. Volunteer for a particular charity/organization (more to come) Starting the research phase. 

8. Turn my apartment into a home (ie - put up shelves) Did some nice painting and DIY projects this month. The next area I want to tackle is the dining room I think and my bed frame. 

9. Have a Yard Sale In the spring, Yo

10. Go to Vancouver Decided on August. 

11. Print 20 photos every month - make an album Okay - I did an okay job with this one this month. Last month was kind of slack, but this month i tried to step it up. The biggest challenge was feeling weird about taking photos with other people around, OF them. For example, there were none taken at Thanksgiving because I just didn't want to both people to get all in one spot for one. Keep in mind we were already in my apartment. Anyway. I'm going to try buying a disposable camera this month and then top up those pictures with iphone photos. But overall, I did much better this month I think. 

12. Host a dinner party - cook it all yourself! Well I kinda did that with Thanksgiving, but I don't think it counts because a) the main course was gross/not done on time and b) there weren't enough chairs at the table for everyone. I want a nice sit-down dinner for this one. 

13. Travel to Chicago Not yet. 

14. Throw someone a surprise party Shhh

15. Make cards for all friends/family birthdays and anniversaries Did MUCH better on this one. I haven't mailed ONE card (that is done and sitting next to me - oops!)

16. Mail one personal, hand-written letter per month Putting it in the mail this weekend. So I couple days late. Damn. 

17. Donate my Hair Going to contact a salon and talk to them about participating if I can raise a certain amount of money as well. 

18. Go to the dentist later 

19. Start a retirement fund later

20. Read 1 book, watch 1 movie, and buy 1 album recommended by of each of my family members These are still coming in. Or they are supposed to be. I need to bug my family more. 

21. Journal for the whole year - either on the blog or on paper This one should be revised. I am doing a better job of sticking to the schedule...sorta?

22. Try rock climbing again - buy a 10x pass and use it up within a month Scheduled for later on

23. Take myself on a birthday "date" on or close to the 8th of every month - reflect on how things are going with the list/in life/etc. Done

24. Go to each of the following: a poetry reading; a book event (non work related); a concert - all by myself I bought myself Sheezer tickets! The show is tomorrow so that will get crossed off then, but I bought them in October and made the plan to go with or without anyone else. 

25. Try some kind of kickboxing/ass whooping class. later

26. Call each of my sisters for a sit-down conversation once a month (I have a lot of sisters so this will take up most of my Sundays) This was definitely lacking this month. I called Anne and Ailsa more than Sarah. And Anne by far the most. In my defence - they are REALLY hard to get a hold of! I may need to revise. 

27. Sign up (and go) to a beginners art class Doing some book binding soon!

28. Travel to Boston Not yet

29. Get a credit card (shocking I don't have one, right?) Still waiting. I may need to check in on this one. 

30. Become a member at the AGO, MOCCA and ROM Just one left to go!